Waiting for her midnight phone calls..

It’s been a blast. No. Not the explosion of something, but the speed of time that can’t be stopped because of eternity. I just found myself confusedly lying here in my bed with nothing to do and everything to think of. Half-scared as it may seem. Fear of what will happen next to my miserable and unpredictable life. It’s just after that tremendous failure that occurred in my senior year, I became afraid. Will I fail again? Will I succeed from now on? Every night, this mind boggling experience always comes inside me like a stench of death. Whenever I feel anxious and think of troubles will happen, I keep on getting crazy and if you are going to look at me every time the day gets dark, I feel like I end to have a metamorphosis. Maybe change to some sort of a zombie who push the eyes of a victim inside until it reaches the brain as his blood splashes out. I never get to the point that I have the idea to be calm sometimes. I just feel, I want to get out of this world.

Oblivion. What will I do now? It’s been a long time since I became calm with things like the tranquility of the dusk. But now, I just can’t find the way to sleep easily with peace because things are still bothering me.

I close my eyes. I remember the wonderful moments that we shared. After that, just a snap occurred and poof!, darkness again. Labyrinthine thinking just kept on clinging in my head of oblivion.

Again, this thoughts again.

I failed to be good president of my former co-students. I have nothing to be proud of. I have nothing to stand for. It’s just became a mess. All became rubbish.

I failed with my high school studies. Expectation again. Disappointment again. I can’t figure out how will I change the word wrong to good in order to make all the things right. And this night, the feeling of failing the whole world is not enough to describe the anguish that I was going through. Maybe, the universe.

And now, I do not know if this feeling of admiration will last forever. Everything changes and that includes the feelings of human. Of course, their mortality. Everything is beautiful for us, mortals, because all of us are doomed by life, every second may be our last. It is also hard to be the animal even in its highest form. Maybe, I want to be a bird someday, to fly away from the apocalypse of the soul.

After that imagination, the stars caught my sight. Many stars triggered my nerves to tell my brain to see the world through my eyes. Millions. Billions. And my loving heart came back to my mind again, making me feel that oblivion always comes back but in this case, it had a harder hit to me.

I am not sure of all this things.

After all these nonsense, yet puzzling thoughts, the night is getting close to its darkest part maybe. Midnight got nearer and unexpectedly, my phone just vibrated. With empty mind, I just look in the screen to see who’s calling and, with my smile, I just read the name of one of the most important person in my life. She’s calling.

Again, a smile moved my mouth unintentionally. I just had the happiness and the calmness that I want to feel in myself. Maybe it is the happiness not to take me out of oblivion but to ease my unconsciousness. The happiness is unusual and can’t be compared to something else.

Oh, it had been a blast again.

The confusing mind just transformed into an ecstatic one.

And as I answered it, I just got in heaven. I felt a serene sensation that I just want to be with her. All the laugh and tears she did because of me came back and it felt like it strengthens me for it stabilize my courage thinking that it is 10 years or so before we can meet again. It also weakens me for I long for her very much and now, the longing just became greater and maybe, it can be synonymous to craving or wanting or the other.

The midnight had past, but still, the time of perfect and in pain never stops.

It felt like I want to stop the time or let it take the backward road. Destroy eternity, doom forever, control destiny, manipulate chances and just be with her until the second childishness may poke me to the ground.

All the sweet words struck my heart it is engraved to it forever. Oblivion again but this time, she’s the culprit of it.

And as we’re talking nonsense but with beautiful and saccharine meaning, I came to this thought,

is this now the truth of loving?

After that joyous moment, it felt like I’m motivated now, being ready to live life again and maybe, for her.

I will wait for several years, leaving me now, the voice of her singing the unforgettable lines to become memorable ones.

The saying goodbye in the phone, then the busy sound, then it ended just like that. She had just ended my day happily and starts my brand new day, gratefully.

Thanks for her calls, she lessened my fears, stopped my tears, and strengthens my wings to fly while saying goodbye.

I just closed my eyes, smiled, thinking of her and and a deep sleep but with the harmony of the peace and darkness of the time, maybe, till eternity.